I took a break after Into The Dark, for two days. Consider this ‘a retreat to the Ladies’ room.’ For two days. So anyway, it’s November 2nd and I’m back for a second round of HOT LIVE SEX with the cream of the Steam crop. I’m also eating Mac & Cheese with Quorn mince added to it, so the games are going to have to do a good job of tearing me away from it, because it’s delicious.
Onto the dating!
Game 11: Doorways: Holy Mountains of Flesh
Time played: 7:35.3
Sigh. I thought if I could count on ANYTHING in this world, it would be that this game had boobs in it. Holy mountains of flesh? I mean come on. That’s practically what my boyfriend calls my tits in bed. I was hoping for some hot girl-on-girl action, but instead all I got was a trek through a run-down village, seemingly in hell. I went into a few houses and found nothing. I saw nothing. Then I came across a statue of The Saint of Flesh or something, and even he didn’t have boobs. Then I found a door and apparently needed four objects to open it. I hadn’t found any. Already tired and disappointed, I couldn’t stomach the backtracking and quit. There are no boobs in this game. None.
Second date: I don’t think so.
Scary: A scary lack of boobs but that’s it.
Game 12: Despair
Time played: 7:31.3
Oh bloody hell, I forgot to install this. What do you do at speed dating if your date hasn’t shown up? Do your makeup? Masturbate? Cry? As it turns out I did none of these things cos my connection’s pretty good. So I loaded this up and was met with a weeping woman, then the game began on a train and my interest was perked because I also made a game set on a train.
But then I had to walk. Walk and walk and walk and oh fuck off with the whole trudging for hours at a glacial pace horror intro that so many games do. Fuck the fucking fuck off! It’s not scary, it’s not tense, it’s not ANYTHING. You don’t build up tension just by having the player walk through empty corridors and rooms for half the game. YOU JUST DON’T. It’s the gaming equivalent of going on a date with a guy who talks about paving slabs the entire time, then suddenly asks you to suck him off. Except here, as with the game, I wouldn’t stick around for the payoff. And so, I did not.
Second date: Why even would I?
Scary: Didn’t even try.
Game 13: Nyctophobia
Time played: 1:58.3
Okay, so it’s a Slender clone but at least I know wha- wait, what’s this about landmines? Okay, so there are landmines. Now I’ve crashed my truck into a rock and I have to collect floating Duracell battery packs. I haven’t been this nervous about batteries draining since my first vibrator in the early 00s. Now I’ve received a threatening note from somewhere. Now I’m walking around a generic map. Here’s a minefield. Cross the minefield, it says. I try and cross the minefield. I blow up. Wordlessly, I hit the Menu button and quit the game. Nyctophobia, you will never, ever get in my pants. Never. And get a better flashlight, for fuck’s sake.
Second date: I’d rather use my old, out-of-batteries vibrator.
Scary: Depends how you feel about mines.
Game 14: Layers of Fear
Time played: 16:56.9
So, you can probably tell from the time played that I dug this one. And oh boy, did I. What a wonderful atmosphere, and a superbly rich, detailed house to go trucking about in as an alcoholic artist. I didn’t really get to see much of the game, other than that shortly after the intro, the corridors and hallways begin to shift in non-euclidean ways, and that there’s definitely some tragedy in our sideburn’d hero’s life. It was a slow build-up, but of the good kind. I was constantly seeing or doing things, even though nothing really horror-ish happened until towards the end. I only stopped again because of the article format. I could’ve easily carried on. I think I probably would’ve gone all the way with this game. I can’t help it. A tortured artist, a creepy house, and the fact I can open every drawer in the game is enough to make me lose MY drawers, and I probably wouldn’t even expect Layers of Fear to pay for dinner before letting it do me. I will be returning to this and no mistake.
Second date: Depends if we even leave the bedroom.
Scary: It was getting there.
Game 15: The Coma: Cutting Class
Time played: 15:51.7
I loved this! A 2D survival horror game set in a Korean high school. I didn’t see much of it in 15 minutes, but I DID see some awkward flirting, an asshole bully, and a teacher with AMAZING boobs. Then after falling asleep in class, our protagonist meets the teacher again, only this time she’s deranged and chases after him with a box cutter. She could cut my box any time, to be honest. So yeah, it was mostly creeping around corridors and finding notes, but the animation is fantastic, the atmosphere is great, and the writing seems pretty contemporary and natural. I dig it.
Second date: Definitely. Especially if Hot Teacher will spank me.
Scary: A bit!
Game 16: Fireflies
Time played: 6:33 |10:26.8
So I actually tried quitting this four minutes before I did. Except, trying to quit the game is just met with text saying ‘I can’t quit now’ and the game continues. So basically I was held against my will. NOT A GOOD DATE. Also the game is fucking awful. The framerate is diabolical, the plot is incomprehensible, and at one point a naked ogre just strolled through me, then through a door. The only ‘horror’ was whispering (which at least didn’t sound like blowjobs) and some bloodstains on the floor. And the controls. And the screen tearing. Literally the only good bit was when the game began with a quote by Aleister Crowley. And when I eventually Ctrl+Alt+Del’d out to the desktop and force quit. Seriously, I would rather eat my own ass than play this again.
Second date: I didn’t even want to continue the FIRST as long as I did.
Scary: Only the fear of never being able to shut the crap down.
Game 17: One Final Breath
Time played: 5:38.4
Don’t let the short time played fool you; I actually rather enjoyed this for the brief moment I played it. Celebrity Games Journalism Jim Fuckin’ Sterling Son tells me it’s not a great game beyond that, but I for one enjoyed the ridiculous Frank Miller dialogue and Retired Alcoholic Duke Nukem voice acting and the back-and-forth between A Troubled Dad and his ex, who is in his phone as The Ex. He also repeatedly references his divorce (spoiler: he is still bitter about it) just in case you were somehow under the impression that he and his wife were still knocking boots. He’s off looking for his daughter who is also troubled, and seems to escape a school in order to go back to another school which used to be a hospital and was also haunted and I don’t even fucking know, okay. I just liked that the main character smokes, and starts the game in a diner, and that there’s a diary entry plastered all over the hospischool about someone falling down a bottomless pit and losing their old journal. Then I walked into a classroom and the entire room was filled with things about Kinda Funny Vids, with Greg Miller, Colin Moriarty, and co’s names written all over blackboards. I have no idea why. Neither do they, apparently. There’s probably some blind date orgy analogy to make here, but I’m just too floored to really say anything coherent about all this.
Second date: I…guess?
Scary: Depends how afraid you are of YouTubers.
Game 18: The Ritual on Weylyn Island
Time played: 11:29.9
I don’t know if it was a fault with the game, or something to do with my controller I had plugged in, but this one had a really annoying bug where whenever I strafed left, my character would continue sort of vibrating slowly in that direction. It was really distracting and awkward. BUT. I really dug this one. Nice scene-setting build-up that actually involved me doing things, while the game set itself up, then very quickly shit hits the fan when Uncle Brian (typo’d in the subtitles as Uncle Brain) shows up sans eyes, behaving like a rabid zombie fella. After exploring Dead Grampa’s trashed house covered in bloody symbols, having an angry murder-man show up quite so quickly was unsettling and nerve-wracking. Especially when the game thrust control back to me RIGHT BEHIND the fella, and I had to sneak away from him. Ultimately I stopped playing because I died after failing to kick Uncle Brain in the face enough times while escaping from a window. But only because of the whole timed nature of this article. It restarted me moments earlier, so it didn’t appear to be a frustrating early death. I really loved the atmosphere here, and the voice acting was mostly pretty great too. It could maybe have done with a little more interactivity in the way of examining things in the house, but maybe that’s not suited to the rest of the game, so I’ll see when I go back. Which I definitely will.
Second date: Absolutely. Looking forward to it.
Game 19: My Bones
Time played: 7:11.5
I finished the entire game in that time. So here we have it. The Premature Ejaculation of the bunch. My experience with this game was the equivalent of me just STARTING to guide its digital cock towards my mouth before it spunked its load all over my face and tits in a messy, unexpected and unwanted manner. My Bones is insipid, watery semen dripping pathetically between my boobs as I look down in disgust and pity. It is a muttered apology and a hasty grab for a tissue to wipe me off before I get cross, only there is no tissue because we didn’t even have time to prepare the room. So I’m just sat there with this ejaculate pooling in my belly button, drying on my nipples, and just looking at My Bones as if I feel very, very sorry for it.
“I…I have a second ending,” he whispers, his face flushed crimson, a hint of hopefulness in his eyes. “If…if you want.”
No, I say. I do not want. I very much do not want to see your second ending, My Bones. This one was enough.
Game 20: Sinister City
Time played: 13:15.2
This was very kindly gifted to me by two friends at the same time. I know nothing about it, but I’ve been assured it is a remarkable, high quality game. Here goes!
What is this beautiful, marvellous game I have just played? For starters, there is a character called Nina! And her boyfriend is a hunk with dreadful voice acting. And then there’s the fact there is literally a place unironically called Sinister City. And a creepy old hotel clerk who’s setting me up with a hypnosis machine. And random Hidden Object sections! And even more terrible voice acting! And at one point a grim reaper in a baby’s bonnet, carrying a parasol, just glided past a window and nobody seemed to think anything of it. And Hunk John’s only clue to Nina’s whereabouts is bat droppings found on the floor. And if you leave the door of the hotel you start on the outdoor screen as a tiny little man floating in midair. I stopped after being hypnotised and ending up in a dream fantasy world but please, Sinister City, rip my clothes off and ravish me, now and forever.
Second date: Yes yes yes yes.
Scary: I practically wet myself.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to wash off the cum that was My Bones and let something like Sinister City or Layers of Fear massage my loins. Goodbye!
Title graphic by Zaceron