Now, don’t get me wrong, I can be a totally romantic person at times. I like flowers, and sometimes I daydream about the perfect wedding, and I am pretty sure I am, like, a MASTER of seduction. But Valentine’s Day makes me want to punch people in the face. I’m pretty positive that besides saying, “Happy Valentine’s Day! Love you!”, my boyfriend and I have never actually celebrated it. It’s an okay holiday, but quite frankly, the hype and commercialism surrounding it kind of completely kill the happiness I am supposed to be feeling about being in love and stuff.
Also, did you know that Valentine’s Day wasn’t even a holiday celebrating love until Geoffrey Chaucer wrote some stupid poem for Richard II and Anne of Bohemia? It was just a day to commemorate a bunch of Christian martyrs named Valentine. And then Chaucer had to go and screw it all up for everybody with his talk of birds mating on Valentine’s Day in Parlement of Foules. Ugh.
Plus, I think the pressure of this ridiculous holiday makes single people feel like shit. You are surrounded by shit for people who are in love, and all the articles about Valentine’s Day are titled “How to Survive Valentine’s Day Alone!” or “The Single Girl’s Guide to Spending Valentine’s by Yourself!” and other wrist-slitting examples. So I have decided to make a list of stuff you can do, single or taken, instead of giving a flying fuck about Valentine’s Day.
1.) Challenge yourself to drink three bottles of wine and play Dark Souls. Or just drink three bottles of wine. Whichever.
2.) Spend the evening trolling Minecraft servers and constructing giant penises on top of everyone else’s creations.
3.) Create an OKCupid account for a made-up woman, and when you start getting dirty messages, tell them your sexual fantasy is to throw up into someone’s mouth like you are their mother bird.
4.) Laugh at the responses to said OKCupid vomit messages.
5.) Purchase one of those anime body pillows and make reservations for a fancy restaurant. Take your body pillow out for a romantic evening.
6.) Compose complete sonnets to your bowel movements. Don’t forget the rhyming couplet at the end!
7.) Buy one of these fantasy creature dildos. And then…you know…use it.
8.) Dress up as Daenerys Targaryen and go out and get wasted and tell everyone that you are the “mother of dragons.”
9.) Write Skyrim fanfiction in which Daenerys Targaryen really is the mother of a dragon after Alduin totally bangs her.
10.) Get drunk and cry about how awful The Big Bang Theory is.
11.) Write a really long, drunken blog post about how awful The Big Bang Theory is.
12.) Play Faster Than Light, because it’s really, really good.
13.) Attempt to play Happy Wars.
14.) Sit in the lobby of your Happy Wars game.
15.) Throw controller at your TV because you have been waiting to get into a Happy Wars game for a half an hour and you just got kicked again and GOD DAMN IT THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FIXED BY NOW JESUS CHRIST.
16.) Write a letter to Geoffrey Chaucer completely in Old English explaining to him what Valentine’s Day has become and how it is entirely his fault.
17.) Learn Old English.
18.) No, Old English is not just saying “Ye olde” in front of everything, it is what Beowulf was originally written in and it is hard as hell to translate.
19.) Sorry, I just have strong feelings about Old English.
20.) Get drunk.
There you go. This should keep you busy until next Valentine’s Day. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a sonnet to finish.