Five Things to Watch Over the Thanksgiving Holiday

Thanksgiving is Thursday! Which means this week I only have to work until Wednesday, and then I am driving seven hours south to San Antonio for what I am considering a mini-vacation. Even though it is totally only because part of Ryan’s family lives down there. Anyway, in between shoving food in my face and hanging out on the Riverwalk, we will probably have some time to kill. Maybe you will also have some hours to waste while your abused stomach is digesting copious amounts of turkey and pie? I bet you will. So let me help you with that.

I present to you, MY Top Five Things to Watch Over the Thanksgiving Holiday.

5. Pocahontas

WTF, John Smith?

This movie was included on several lists on several different “family” websites as one of the best movies to watch on Thanksgiving. No joke. They weren’t even trying to be funny or anything. I just find it endlessly amusing that they seem to think that watching a movie about the white Europeans conquering America on the traditional day that we feasted with the Native Americans in friendship is a good idea. HEY, WE’RE JUST GONNA EAT ALL THIS FOOD YOU GAVE US, AND IN RETURN, WE GOT YOU THESE AWESOME BLANKETS. THEY’LL BE REALLY HANDY TO WRAP YOUR CORPSES IN WHEN YOU DIE OF SMALLPOX. So yeah, go ahead and watch it, you filthy heathens.

4. The Thanksgiving Play Scene from Addams Family Values

Along the same vein, we have this scene from one of my favorite Addams Family movies. Disney’s Pocahontas could have learned a few lessons from Wednesday Addams, like maybe not believe that asshole John Smith who totally doesn’t love you anyway. And also burn everything of theirs to the ground. While you’re at it, you might as well watch the whole movie. There is nothing about the Addams Family that doesn’t scream holiday cheer.

3. Thankskilling

I have seen this most of this movie, and let me tell you, do not watch it with your family. Watch it with someone who will appreciate the hilariously disturbing, awful mess that this film is. Let me just copy and paste this summary for you:

A demonic turkey is unleashed…and he’s one fowl-mouthed bastard! Five college kids: a jock, a good girl, an overweight red-neck, a slut, and a nerd head home for Thanksgiving break, each thankful for the chance of holiday hookups. But when their car suddenly overheats, they trespass into the woods for a night of drinking and bonfire debauchery. Little do they know, these are the same woods where an ancient turkey was necromanced 386 years ago by an Indian curse after the very first Thanksgiving. Now, The Killer Turkey is awakened and ready for revenge on the first white men he comes in contact with!

That should be enough. Yeah.

2. Every Friends Thanksgiving Episode

I love Friends. Totally, unironically, love that show. It was the 90s, and NBC was post-Seinfeld, but they still had an amazing Thursday line-up, and Friends was just The Best. My sister and I were both pretty young when it was first airing, but we were allowed to watch it with our mom anyway. So in a way, we grew up with it. They always did a great job with the Thanksgiving episode, and some of them were the most entertaining half-hours of television that show ever produced. My personal favorite is the Thanksgiving episode from their very last season, “The One With The Late Thanksgiving.” Rachel and Phoebe enter Emma in a baby beauty pageant, she wins, and it’s hilarious.

1. A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving

Bewildered by toast.

I think the Thanksgiving Charlie Brown movie is probably my favorite out of all of them, just because it’s so weird. Nothing that happens in the movie makes any sense. Charlie Brown thinks there are “Thanksgiving cards” in the mail, Sally bitches about her life, Snoopy plays ping-pong with Woodstock, and then everyone randomly shows up at Charlie Brown’s house for Thanksgiving dinner. So Snoopy makes them toast, popcorn, and jellybeans for Thanksgiving dinner and everyone bitches about it. Look kids, your DOG just made you dinner. I don’t know what you’re expecting, but you should be pumped that you got anything at all. Later, Charlie Brown’s neglectful parents finally show up and they all go to grandma’s house for a REAL dinner. Seriously, his parents should be fired from the job of parenting, they are awful. I was almost positive that the reason Charlie Brown had to have Snoopy make dinner is because his parents accidentally left him and Sally at home and went to grandma’s. But I think I am just mis-remembering things.
Ultimately, all of this nonsense makes the movie even more lovable though, and it’s definitely my favorite Thanksgiving special.

2 thoughts on “Five Things to Watch Over the Thanksgiving Holiday

  1. I must have laughed SO hard during this article! Oh my God, I literally said, “YES!!!!” at the Adams Family Values part. I LOVE that movie. And bit about Pocahontas—lmfao.This was too great! XD

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