I forget where I read this quote, or who coined it, but in this case, I feel it’s wholesomely appropriate: “Everyone loves a bitch.”
And frankly, I’m all for taking back that word, as I would for the word “slut,” but that’s for another article. In fact, ever since fifth grade, I’ve taken pleasure in turning the insult of “You’re a bitch!“ into a compliment of the highest degree. I’ll never forget the day I got a bit pissed off while playing kickball because one of the boys in my class mocked me for something stupid. I kicked the ball right into his face and knocked his braces loose. He said, “You’re a bitch.” My response? “And proud!” And I use that response up to this day.
That being said, in the world of video games (and comics; the two seem to overlap quite often), there are villainous femme fatales that just own the title of “bitch.” And I’m not just talking about, “Ermahgerd, I broke a nail,” or, “OMFG, Brad is taking Jenny to prom and not me!” — no, I’m talking about those sweet-faced, sexy ladies who, if you piss them off, will smile in your face, buy you an adorable puppy, let you fall in love with it, and then, when you least expect it, stuff that puppy in a blender and hit “frappe” — while you’re watching.
Let that image stew in your mind for a moment. Though it was a hard list to narrow down to just five, here are the most villainous video game vixens to ever be created (along with their voice actresses).
5. Little Sister (Bioshock), Various VAs.
There’s nothing creepier than a child. Particularly if she’s a child with glowing, yellow eyes and a juggernaut protector who will kill you if you so much as look at her funny. Little Sister is, by far, the cutest, most deadliest thing in the entire Bioshock universe — particularly if bringing her harm brings the wrath of one of the many Big Daddies upon you. Cute, innocent, and unassuming, Little Sister is a perfect villain in that she is all of that, and then some. Like they say, “It’s always the quiet ones.”
4. Bad Girl (No More Heroes),voiced by Kathryn Fiore
Bad Girl is just what her name implies: a bad girl. But don’t try to put this little vision of beauty and innocence in pink over your knee, because you won’t live to regret it. One of the main antagonists in No More Heroes, Bad Girl’s choice of weapon is a bat that always has blood stains on it. She’s incredibly crazed and bloodthirsty, and is a borderline psychopath. She’s also a high-ranked assassin. Moreover, don’t be fooled when she starts crying on you in the middle of your fight. You will regret it.
3. Mileena (Mortal Kombat), voiced by Danielle Pesina (MK:D)
One of the original villainous video game vixens, Mileena has a body that just won’t quit. She’s deadly, scheming, and doesn’t seem to be quite content with life unless she’s destroying and maiming something in a pretty over-the-top and gory way. Still, she can’t be all that bad, right? I mean, beneath that mask, I’m sure she has the face of an angel with a sweet smile. C’mon, Mileena, give us a smile. For the fans’ sake.
OH DEAR SWEET JESUS HORATIO CHRIST! KILL IT WITH FIRE AND HOLY WATER!
Well, at least she has a lovely personali…
Screw it. She’s on this list for a reason.
2. Harley Quinn (Batman Arkham Asylum/Arkham City), voiced by Tara Strong
Look at her. No, really. Just look at her, especially in that picture. She’s sweet, adorable, and as unassuming as they come — assuming you’ve never seen her before now. Don’t be deceived by her looks; she ain’t holdin’ those two guns behind her back because her boyfriend’s arms got tired and she’s doing him a favor.
Remember that puppy you love so much? Bad Girl is more likely to bludgeon it to death, but Harley’s the one who will put it in the blender, turn it on, and watch you cry tears of pure sorrow. When it’s over, she’ll offer you a drink of dead puppy entrails with a smile and shoot you. In the face. With girlish glee.
Harley is a psychopath to the highest degree who has eyes for no one else other other than her Puddin’, Batman’s ultimate enemy, The Joker. She has a notoriously blind loyalty for the Clown Prince Of Crime, and GOD FORBID you come in between her and her Puddin’ or, worse, kill him. She will erect an entire monument dedicated to him that comes alive to kill you.
1. GLaDOS (as suggested by fellow Nerdy But Flirtian, Kelsey!), voiced by Ellen McLain
Let’s face it: GLaDOS is the biggest backhand to come out of video games, as far as video games go. And not because she’s a terrible character, but because she sounds just like your sweet, possibly robotic grandmother, and is just as sweet as the cake she loves. But then, you realize she’s batshit crazy. My heart broke into a million pieces, and I sat holding the game controller with tears of betrayal, as soon as the gears started turning in my head that GLaDOS was going to be the game’s ultimate protagonist from the get-go. Yeah, a few flippant jokes here or there isn’t so terrible, but come on! I thought I looked damned hot in my jumpsuit, okay?!
But is she, or is she not, the funniest, most psychotic piece of machinery you have ever met? I swear to God, two-thirds of GlaDOS’s dialog in the game had me laughing so hard I couldn’t even think straight. She goes straight for the psychological torment and just does not hold back; and she doesn’t care. Seriously, this woman gives zero Fs about your feelings.
Because you are merely a test subject, and she’s bitter that she’s a potato.
Can we please give a round of applause for the greatest, villainous video game vixen ever?