Why W00tStout is the W0rst* Beer 0f All Time

w00tstout

I’d like to start this by saying: I like to drink. A lot. Probably more than I should as any human being, for that matter. If Baccus lived today, I’d make him look like Mr. Rogers. That being said, I hold my alcohol well, and I like to party. >_> However, whatever you (Yes. YOU, Mr.Wheaton) did to this beer is an abomination and should be killed with fire. My first w00tstout night went from “I’ll have a nice beer after work” to leaving a voice mail for my best friend apologizing for my being a good friend because I couldn’t go hiking…this is my tale, and I have lived to tell it…

Just the Facts Ma’am

w00tstout is a collaboration beer between Stone brewer Greg Koch, Fark.com creator Drew Curtis, and Pro Geek (and brewer) Wil Wheaton.  You can find w00tstout at the Stone Brewery Store at the Del Mar Gold Line Station. You can also find what other locations have this special collaboration Stone beer HERE.

W00T All Up in my Stout

At about 10 o’clock on a Friday night, after a long day at work, I trudged to the nearest Gold Line station to wait for the train that would take me home. My feet hurt a bit, and I was pretty much ready to sleep on anything. The thought of going out dancing with my bestie was looking grim.

The Del Mar station is actually cool because it has little restaurants and shops built in/next to/around it. I thought, man, look at all these people, with their money, time, and fun-having. I wish I could be like them…and then The Stone Brewery appeared from the heavens and  blessed me with an innocent idea:

OH, I’ll have a beer tonight, I haven’t had a beer in like, days, so its obviously been some time. Why not, it’ll be fun!

I went in to order their smoked dark porter, and I saw the poster for  Wil’s W00tStout, which I’d missed because I was doing something equally fun somewhere else at Comic Con. I never forgot about it though, because I like a good beer and it was 13% alcohol. Since they didn’t serve it on draft, I picked up one pint, thinking, this is a great treat. One beer.

Anticipation, The First Sip

When I got home, I was pretty much the happiest person in the world because, for one, I didn’t have to wear pants. Two, I could catch up on some anime, and three, beer. I had’nt drank in almost a week, and as someone who was drinking like 3-5 times a week, this was an accomplishment, anyway what I’m saying is, this beer was several levels of greatness.

“Congrats! Thanks for taking care of me!” – Your Body

I felt like a schoolgirl getting ready for senior prom night with her long-term boyfriend.

Is the beer in the freezer? Yes. Is my Crunchyroll account up and queued to my show? Yes. Am I no longer wearing pants? Yes.

I treated this beer like a fine old woman who deserves some lovin’ on her birthday. I read the label, examined the cold bottle, popped the top slowly, and took a sip. I swished cool liquid in my hot mouth, brought it to an appropriate temperature, and swallowed.

HOLY HORNBEAM BATMAN that is DELICIOUS!

Not too hoppy, just enough pecan taste, and the finish was warm with a sweet bourbon after taste. It was truly a well-crafted beer.

The Trouble Begins

The anime was great, the beer was great, I was feeling great and just full of joy and innocence and laughter. The anime was getting increasingly funny, and as I waited for a new episode to buffer, I got on Facebook. Mistake number one. I was posting about this beer and how great it was while also working on my art show at the same time. A photo I posted for the event got me a call from a boy I’d been chatting with. We talked business, discussed life, and hung up.

I wasn’t even halfway done with my beer when it started…this anime was all of a sudden the best anime ever, and my inner child took over.

Actually, you know what would be great? Dancing. Why hasn’t Denise called me back to see if I wanted to go dancing? What the fudge-sickle. Let me text this butt-face.

No response.

Fine. I don’t need her anyway. I’ll just watch anime! WAIT. You know what’s better than dancing? Food. Good food. Like tacos. From that truck. That’s close by my house…whatever, I don’t need that bus money, I’ll just get 5$ worth of tacos. I got this.

My adult brain kicked in somewhere:

Yo. It’s two AM, you can’t  just walk around without  1, pants, and 2,  an escort. Also, it’s 2 AM?! Where did the night even go? Is the truck even open?

Then grown up me turned off:

Naw it’s cool, they’re open ’cause I say so. Let’s go on an adventure. Oh, and I should totally call that guy back and we should talk about stuff at two AM.

13% Alcohol

My male friend was quite amused by this and happily made sure I got where I needed and back (Did I mention I saw a guy at the truck with a SNES controller on his t-shirt? No? Well he did and it was awesome and we geeked out for a bit).

Boy: Are you home yet? I wanna make sure you get there safe.

Me: I don’t need anyone to make sure I’m safe, I got this, I’m a beast!

Boy: Uh, I didn’t say you weren’t, I know you don’t need protecting, you got it, but I wanna make sure anyway.”

Me: Psh. Why these police officers rolled out so thick today, like, why couldn’t they be around in the middle of the day when people try to steal other peoples’ phones?

Boy: Yes baby, I know. You like that story.

Me: I’m just sayin’, when do you ever get to feel like you have true power?

Boy: …are you safe now?

Me: Yes.

Boy: Okay, text me later. Drunkie.

Me: I’m not drunk!

Right around the third taco, I felt bad about not being a good friend to Denise. Since I hadn’t heard from her all night, I thought she hated me. Half passed out on my bed, I left a voicemail that sounded something like this:

Denise, I know we were supposed to be hiking and I know I totally missed the last few days, but I wanted to say I’m sorry and I love you and I promise not to be flaky and please just call me, ’cause I know it’s three AM and I hope I’m not waking you, unless you are at the club, in that case I’m jealous. I miss you and let me know if you are mad cause I wanna fix it. Love you.

Since it’s past 3am, it’s OBVIOUSLY booty call text time. (Which is apparently completely appropriate for a twenty-five-year old woman.)

Me: So all I wanna do is make out n cuddle n watch anime

Boy: Baby, I’m not driving up to see you at 3:30am…

M: Whatever, I wasn’t talking about you anyway :p…awkward 😉

B: Sure…its not awkward

M: yeah I was hoping to make out with someone else, suuuper awkward

B: Not worries babe, go to sleep. I gotta get back to work, wish me luck !

Morning arrived.

The Morning After

I wasn’t really hung over, per se. It was more like I just was confused for an hour after I woke up. I’m missing bus money, I’ve got three Facebook comments on peoples’ experiences with Wil Wheaton, and I after thorough research I come to find out that I didn’t talk to Denise about any of those things. I, apparently, invited her to the taco truck. And we’re still friends.

That beer was quite honestly the best beer of my life, making it the worst, because now it is in my reality – which means I want it all the time and, considering my love for my liver (I do hope we have a long-lasting relationship), it should be kept as far from me as possible.

‘Cept next weekend. I could thoroughly use a Stone Farking Wheaton w00tstout next weekend.

About Ashphord

When she’s not writing about hilarious, life-changing beer, Ashphord “ashi_chan” Jacoway is a semi-professional Geek, specializing in getting kicked off The Test3r and being a member of The Guild of Extras. Besides cuddling with her SNES and watching a lot of anime, she loves writing about diversity in the geek community. You can read more from her here.

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