So, I originally set out to write an article about fan fiction. I didn’t know specifically what I was going to focus on, but I wanted to look at the relationship between video games and their fans, and the writing they create. Was it really just an elaborate excuse to read smut about Femshep getting it on with every Turian in Mass Effect? I don’t quite know, but how dare you ask me a question like that.

Regardless of your manners (or lack thereof), what I found while doing my “research” is that video game fanfic isn’t really any different that amateur fiction in general. Some of it is written by creepy, awful people who do terrible things to their female characters and probably have mental issues. Some of it is written by people who have clearly never had sex, or even seen it take place, therefore giving us hilarious descriptions of intercourse and all that it involves. And there is even some that’s borderline enjoyable. But really, all that separates fan fiction from your basic novel is that it’s about someone else’s established characters and settings. And, you know, a publishing contract. But hell, Twilight fan fiction can get published and become a bestseller. THERE IS NO LINE ANYMORE.

So instead of some deep, scholarly examination of the mindset behind fanfiction, I’m just going to share with you some of the gems that I found. I may throw in a little commentary if you can be nice and quit asking personal questions.

Ahem.

Before we get started, I want to just make a note that I was solely searching for materials on fanfiction.net. I realize there are a lot of sites to find this stuff on, but fanfiction.net is the most basic and commonly known, and so it was the one I used.

So the first thought that popped into my head when I went looking for fanfiction to write about was, “I wonder if there is Minecraft fanfiction?” Just because…what would you even write about?

A lot, as it turns out. There are loads of Minecraft fanfics.

Minecraft fanfiction is weird, because Minecraft is essentially a game where you create your own world. And so a lot of the fan fiction is just stories about the universes that these people have created within the game. Minecraft just happens to be the base “idea.” Which is the case with a lot of fan fiction, but more so with Minecraft.

Anyway, I am always looking for the most ridiculous, most sexualized, ridiculous pieces of “literature,” and I stumbled across this gem. Haven’t you always wanted to have hot sex with an Enderman? SHIT YES. I mean…no. When I found this fic, I tweeted it and made several people regret ever wanting to know what Minecraft fanfiction could possibly be like. MINECRAFT FANFIC MEANS ENDERMEN ARE IN LOVE WITH HUMAN LADIES. THERE IS NO GOING BACK. The story isn’t actually too bad, it just takes itself very seriously. And you begin to wonder if the author has sexual fantasies involving Endermen.

After this, I began thinking, “You know what would be really hilarious? Call of Duty fan fiction.” And I immediately went to find some.

Hate Isn’t Far From Love is what I found.

Hate Isn’t Far From Love involves all the characters from the Call of Duty: Modern Warfare series, plus the new main character, Natalie. And her annoying as hell friends who act like teenagers despite their supposed “adult” status. Probably because this was most likely written by a teenage girl. It is really hard for me to think of somewhere to begin when it comes to this fanfic, but then I remind myself that this isn’t even the worst one. Here is the author’s summary:

“Natalie was the only girl transferred to the 141. Ghost wasn’t happy. What happens when Ghost emotionally abuses her to the point where she finally snaps? What happens when General Shepherd betrays them and Makarov appears? When Ghost falls for Natalie and she falls for him, it seems life doesn’t want them together when she’s forced to do something that might cost her…her life and to be hated by the people she loves.”

But really what happens is that Natalie is transferred to the 141, there is a shitload of emotional and possibly physical abuse from Ghost that then transforms into this weird, obsessive, creepy relationship while there is supposed to be war stuff going on. Also, Soap and Roach are gay together. Because why not? But there is just so much strange, manipulative, abusive power-play mind fuckery happening in this story. In the end, they all stay on base and are in romantic relationships and I don’t think this author knows at all how the military works.

But the whole “I HATE YOU! No wait I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU. LET’S HAVE SEX” thing is pretty common in fan fiction. It’s an easy way to get the main/good guy protagonist to bang the hot bad guy. Or to make your plot and/or characters seem more complex. Which almost always fails. Let’s look at another example of this!

I  found Of Two Worlds at the beginning of my search, because I knew there would be thousands of Skyrim fan fictions and a lot of them would be God-awful. When I do searches, I almost always set the filter to Rated M only, because that is usually where the really weird, horrible stuff is. This one popped up, I looked at the characters, and I went, “Who the fuck is Farengar?” Now, don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of characters in Skyrim, and regardless of how big of a role they play, it’s sometimes difficult to remember all the names. But Farengar, as it turns out, is the court wizard at Jarl Balgruff’s court in Whiterun. You meet him ONCE at the beginning of the game. I think. Here’s a picture, just so when you read this fic you can perfectly imagine making out with him.

So, pretty much what happens is a gorgeous seventeen-year-old girl (Lilly) falls into Skyrim, and then her and Farengar fall in lust after hating each other for about an hour, and then pervy old Farengar realizes she’s hot and there are descriptions of masturbating and also Lilly is part of a prophecy? Very complicated, plot-twisty things. You know, like usual. For Skyrim, anyway. A fun game to play with this fan fiction is to take a drink every time the author mentions “smirking” or there is sexual frustration. Finish your drink every time Farengar gets a boner, and maybe do a shot whenever they argue. And then you die of alcohol poisoning and don’t have to read this product of some teenage girl’s unresolved sexual issues.

Speaking of pervs, let’s talk about Dishonored. Specifically, let’s talk about the relationship between Corvo and Emily Caldwell. It is heavily-implied throughout the game that Corvo is actually her father. Several characters actually address the issue directly to Corvo in conversation, and there are clues left laying around that further push the topic. Havelock speculates in his journal about Corvo and Jessamine’s relationship, and when playing the game on low-chaos, Emily actually draws a picture of Corvo, for Corvo, with “Daddy” written underneath. And yet a good portion of Dishonored fanfiction is Corvo/Emily.

Blehhhhhhhhh.

She’s, like, what, ten when the game takes place? Corvo is probably in his mid-to-late thirties. And, assuming they wait until Emily is eighteen to have her bang Corvo, he’s still going to be almost fifty years old. And probably her father. Talk about daddy issues.

The Vileness of Man is one of these. And I think it bothers me more because it is actually pretty-well written and well-thought out. And Corvo KNOWS it’s fucked up and has to justify to himself having sex with a sixteen-year-old girl whom he’s known since she was born.

I stripped my drawers and kicked them to the side, and Emily flushed as she gazed upon my alert affair. I then slid off her bloomers and spread her quivering thighs. I was about to deflower her, no, that word was far too harsh for the pleasure we were both about to experience. I was allowing her to blossom! And who better to help her ripen than her loyal guardian?

EWWWW. EWW. Ew. No. Sure, the author says their fanfic supports the idea that Corvo is NOT her father, but NO ONE ACTUALLY BELIEVES THAT. SHE WROTE “DADDY” ON HIS PORTRAIT. Even if he is not biologically Emily’s father, he is certainly thought of as a solid father figure in her life.

Ugh. Moving on.

(The next story and the following Dark Souls fan fiction include graphic portrayal of rape. Please keep this in mind before you click.)

On the same spectrum of fucked-up, we also have Cortana Gets What She Deserves. Clicking on that link will make you regret ever being born, developing eyeballs, learning to read, and playing Halo. But seriously, disclaimer, both this fic and the Dark Souls one below contain graphic descriptions of rape. Know what you’re clicking on. It’s possibly the most disturbing thing I have read as of late. But what probably bothers me the most is that it was posted by a sixteen-year-old boy who claims it was written by a friend. GREAT. I just feel AWESOME knowing all of this.

Also written by what is probably another sixteen-year-old boy, this equally rape-tastic Dark Souls fan fiction called Darkwood Twinks, wherein a woman with enormous breasts is raped by two men who have huge dicks.

I hate the internet.

Slightly less horrifying and somewhat more amusing is this Far Cry 3 fan fiction with a title that is in another language that I cannot read. If someone knows what it means, you should tell me, because I need to know.

Anyway, so I should have known going into the Far Cry fan fiction section that a lot of them were going to involve pretty girls getting kidnapped by Vaas and then falling in love/hate/lust with him, blah blah blah, and this one is a hilarious example. My favorite part is when Vaas forces her to do heroin, and then she almost immediately gets sexually aroused and leaps on her kidnapper and starts banging him. Then afterwards, she runs away into the jungle to escape. Really? Let’s look at the effects of heroin.

“Soon after injection (or inhalation), heroin crosses the blood-brain barrier. In the brain, heroin is converted to morphine and binds rapidly to opioid receptors. Abusers typically report feeling a surge of pleasurable sensation – a “rush.” The intensity of the rush is a function of how much drug is taken and how rapidly the drug enters the brain and binds to the natural opioid receptors. Heroin is particularly addictive because it enters the brain so rapidly. With heroin, the rush is usually accompanied by a warm flushing of the skin, dry mouth, and a heavy feeling in the extremities, which may be accompanied by nausea, vomiting, and severe itching. After the initial effects, abusers usually will be drowsy for several hours. Mental function is clouded by heroin’s effect on the central nervous system. Cardiac function slows. Breathing is also severely slowed, sometimes to the point of death.”
-from the National Institute on Drug Abuse 

Okay, so there might be some sexytimes. But that girl isn’t going to be running through the jungle after she has just done heroin for the first time.

I also found this: “Heroin tends to reduce sex drive and the ability to have an orgasm, although on a physical level, it can increase sexual arousal, i.e., cause a man to have an erection or a woman to produce vaginal lubrication.”
So, maybe no sexytimes?

Whatever, that fan fiction is ludicrous anyway. Do some research before you have your characters take drugs. Gosh. And can we maybe discuss the whole weird, Stockholm Syndrome premise that is going on here? Sympathizing with the man who kidnapped you and your family and is holding you hostage and forcing you to partake in things you don’t want to? But noooooo, apparently that is totally okay, and you should certainly have sex with him because he is totes hot. And that is acceptable. In fan fiction.

Please don’t do that in real life.

Moving away completely from things that make me want to throttle people, let’s look at some hilarious Bayonetta fan fiction. Here are some choice quotes from one titled Bang Bang Kiss:

“Don’t stop. More.”She groaned as he found himself yanking her shirt upwards in a wonton motion.

This makes me laugh so much because I know they mean “wanton,” but it’s just funnier because a wonton is a type of Chinese dumpling.

 “He wafted the strawberry scent off of her, how hungry she was capable of making him.”

After this, they just go eat loads of ice cream and take a nap.

“as he then thrust his hips back against her own. “Ah!” The soft ‘Slch’ of him slipping within her warm folds, marvelously indescribable.”

Eww. Just…no. Don’t try to describe it anymore. Please.

There is also this absolute gem of a fic, Bayonetta again, that includes some choice phrases:

“When they came and yes, they did come together, it was like molten lava flowing into her, hot, hot cream filling her, flooding her love hole.”

BEST/WORST SENTENCE EVER. That will probably be the funniest thing you read all day. You’re welcome.

“Bayonetta then even heard herself, “Aaaaaah,” as he pierced her sphincter then he pumped deep inside her, just like when before. It felt so good, she was so full, her bowels craved him, his scalding gush.”

HER BOWELS CRAVED HIM. Gross, ya’ll.

I am going to commission that author to write my new horror/sex/gore novel, tentatively titled The Craving Bowels. It’ll be about a sexy demon woman who lures men into having anal sex with her and then eats them alive with her butthole. Watch out, 50 Shades!

Sorry. That was uncalled for.

Before we get to my favorite fan fiction of all time (besides the infamous My Immortal), we have one more to look at, and it’s Mass Effect. Gird your loins…for Vixen Shepard.

The problem with Fox Shadow is not that it’s poorly written – it’s actually pretty well-done despite lots of spelling errors – it’s that Commander Shepard has become a sexy joke. She has two different-colored eyes (one green and one blue, because she is super-special, guys), hair the color of fire, and “Her scars small but defined her features; one ran the length on her narrow jaw while another hide just under her hair line.”

I was wrong, it is not well-written at all.

Anyway, Vixen Shepard is having sex with ALL THE TURIANS. I mean, as far as Mass Effect goes, I don’t have a problem with turian sexytimes, Garrus/FemShep forever, but Vixen is banging Nihlus, Saren, and eventually Garrus as well. Apparently, she just bangs Nihlus on the side though, because Saren is her main man? I don’t know. At any rate, all of the sex scenes are described in much greater length than anything involving the actual plot of this story, which I am still unsure of. She hates Kaiden for some reason, and then she pretends to be someone else? And then Nihlus gets shot and WOE IS VIXEN. I have seriously no idea what the main storyline is supposed to be. Try to find it yourselves.

Finally, we have arrived, and I can present to all of you, The Garfield Effect: Galaxy Adventure. Yes, it is Mass Effect, but with Garfield the cat. Yes, from the comic strips. Who likes lasagna. And it is the most magical and hilarious piece of writing that you will ever read. I promise. Let me convince you, my sweet babies…

The Normany sped to the Citadel at highway speeds. When it approached the Citadel the brakes were slammed so it could park. Garfield then entered the citadel with Miranda to search for Lasagna.
“The Citadel council might know where there is Lasagna.” Said Miranda to Garfield in a serious tone. “Then we will go there and demand satisfaction.” Said Garfield with urgency.
Garfield and Miranda hurried to the Citadel Council and bust in interrupting a meeting. “This is galactic emergency, me and my crew need lasagna delivered at faster than light speeds to us!” declared Garfield with invigoration.
“I am sorry Garfield, Blue Suns Mercenaries stole all of the lasagna.” Said the Council with worry “I will break their bones with fists of fury!” raged Garfield to the cosmos.

Or perhaps this…

“Who enters my bachelor pad?” demanded Garfield with stern voice.
“It is me.” Responded the voice. It was the female collector!
“How is this be.” Roared Garfield in shock.
“I followed you here Garfield. I cannot get enough of your sweet loving I need more. I will destroy this ship and ruin your missions unless you give me constant neverending lovings.” Demanded the Female collector with sultry seductive sexy audacity.
“Very well I see I have no choice. Come here and I will give you all the lovings you can want.” Said Garfield with seductive finger wagging.
The female collector jumped on Garfield and squeezed him with might of meteor shower determined to get all lovings possible. Garfield in turn thrust with force of cosmic hurricane. Garfield turned on his love making to maximum and surged his pleasure staff through her thighs like lightning rod. The Female Collector experiences pleasure unknown to her and too much to handle for her fragile self and her head exploded from the massive love makings.
“Don’t get a big head.” Said Garfield with smooth style as he casually strutted out sipping his lasagna martini.

This is just a small taste of the sheer awesomeness that you can experience when you read The Garfield Effect: Galaxy Adventure. Did that seduce you? It should have.

I am about 95% sure that the author who wrote this is trolling us all, but the other 5% of me really wants to believe that it’s really someone who is very enthusiastic about Garfield and believes this is good. They have twenty stories in total on their account, and all of them but one are Garfield-related. I am also very fond of the story where Garfield fights in the American Revolution and bones Abigail Adams and Martha Washington. Good times.

I spent about a week and a half writing this article, putting in time at work and at home when I could, and I spent much longer looking for shitty fan fiction. Like I mentioned at the beginning, I had no real idea of how to approach this piece. I had been wanting to write something about fan fiction, but what do you say about it? It’s like anything else, some of it is well done, and some of it reads like a blind preschooler wrote it. Some people who write fan fiction are very talented, and I would actually suggest you seek those people out as well, but some of it is written by perverted teenage boys with rape fantasies, or near-illiterate tweens who can’t tell the difference between their, there, and they’re. Either way, it’s a good look at video game culture and the fans it generates. We’re all different, but we all love the same games.

And some of us got higher marks in spelling and grammar at school.

I hope you at least enjoyed some of the quotes, if not my stunningly-witty commentary on the state of those disasters in literature. I’ve included the links to a few more “honorable mentions” at the bottom, for your continued enjoyment. If you know of something fantastically bad that I did not manage to find, let me know! Stick it in the comments and we can all laugh at it.

Until then, auf weidersehen, NBF readers.

Additional Links

My Dishonored Pony: Revenge is Magic

Some super crazy Viva Piñata fanfiction.

A link to all rated-M Slender fanfiction

Some really horribly written, and completely out of character, Mass Effect fanfic