“Whatever you do, don’t eat the candy.” A review of Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters

We all know the bedtime story of Hansel and Gretel. At least, we THOUGHT we knew.

Director and writer Tommy Wirkola has given a classic bedtime tale a new twist.

Hansel: Me and my sister, we have a past.
When we were young, our family was murdered.
We were almost killed by a witch.
Now we hunt them for a living.
That past made us stronger.


It’s fifteen years later, after Hansel and Gretel have defeated the witch that tried to eat them as children. The siblings are now bounty hunters who track down and kill witches all over the world, which proves to be incredibly easy as they are, for some unbeknownst reason, immune to evil magic. Hansel, however, struggles with a “sugar curse,” and has to inject himself daily with insulin.

Mayor Englemann of Augsburg, Germany has hired the siblings to locate and rescue a number of children who have disappeared and are believed to have been taken by witches.



These are the top five main characters of the film!

Jeremy Renner as Hansel.
Hansel: Some people will say not all witches are evil,
that their powers will be used for good. I say, ‘burn them all.’ 

Gemma Arterton as Gretel.Gretel: [Pointing gun at camera] I hate to break this to you,
but this isn’t gonna be an open casket. 

Phila Viitala as Mina.

Thomas Mann as Ben.Ben: How do you best kill a witch?
Hansel: Cutting off her head tends to work. 

Famke Janssen as Murial.Muriel: Gretel! Famous witch hunter. Finally we meet.
Gretel: Who are you?
Muriel: [grabs a paper with the words “Child Lost”] I see you got my invitation.
Gretel: Say your name before my arrows rip out your throat!
Muriel: I go by many names, none of which you’re worthy of pronouncing. 

The dynamic between the cast is incredible. They really have done an excellent job becoming their characters. It’s easy to sit back and really let yourself believe the story.


As you can see already, there is a ton of leather going on. There’s leather, more leather, and then there’s a naked Jeremy Renner; alas, all you can see is his chest! However, his chest is incredible, and made all the ladies in the audience have to fan themselves.


Everything was incredibly well-put together. That’s about all I can say. Both my husband and I were incredibly impressed with everything. Which by the way, doesn’t ever happen. We always have something to say, and something to critique, but ladies and gents, here I sit. For the first time being married to a film critic, we are both very pleased and happy with everything!

They spared nothing! Dramatic music, lots of gore, smooth transitions, and incredibly balanced audio that is mixed amazingly with the soundtrack.


I loved this movie. LOVED LOVED LOVED it. It’s full of that good ol’ campy humor, heads getting ripped off, violence, gore, and, if you watch it in 3D, there are a number of projectiles that get hurled at you that make you jump and cower at how real and close to your face it actually feels.

Add in those amazing sound effects they added, and it’s quite the experience and really just leaves you breathless, full of adrenaline, and ready for more. Not to mention all those amazing suprises in store that I’m not going to reveal to you! (What? Don’t cry, I have to give you SOMETHING to look forward to!)

This isn’t a movie for children. The film is rated R for strong fantasy horror violence and gore, brief sexuality/nudity, and language. It runs about one hour and forty minutes. There aren’t any secret scenes at the end of the credits, but watching the credits in 3D is worth sticking around for.


With awesome action scenes and great chemistry between the cast, I had to give this movie an A+.

[Looking at a trapped witch]
Gretel: She looks angry.
Hansel: Wouldn’t you be if you had a face like that?

3 thoughts on ““Whatever you do, don’t eat the candy.” A review of Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters

  1. Pingback: Slutty Snow White + Hansel And Gretel: Witch Hunters | The Musing Pony

  2. Pingback: Slutty Snow White + Hansel And Gretel: Witch Hunters | The Musing Pony

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