Let’s Get Drunk and Forget All of This Ever Happened: The Top Stories of 2012

2012 was good to us, and at other times it was a complete asshole to us. But it’s almost over now and I can’t even decide what the hell I want to include in this article. Ryan is shouting suggestions at me from the other room and I can’t hear him over Pandora but screw it, let’s get this over with. Quick and dirty, people! Let’s go!

diablo

Diablo III Is Released, Is Amazing
Blizzard Entertainment’s third installment of the Diablo franchise was finally released in May this year, and everyone lost their collective shit. Including me. In fact, so much shit was lost that the servers were overwhelmed for days after the launch date.

minecraft

Minecraft Came to the Xbox 360
The construction/sandbox game from Mojang was released on Xbox Live Arcade in May and had so many bugs that it was impossible to sleep in a bed at night without being attacked by skeleton archers who wanted to kill you SO VERY BADLY. Fortunately that issue has been resolved, and the Xbox version is kind of almost as up to date as the PC version! Maybe!

masseffect

Mass Effect 3 Made Us All Want to Burn Down Bioware Headquarters 
Mass Effect 3 was released in March of this year and we all loved it until we got to the end and everyone went, “What the actual fuck? THAT’S THE ENDING??” And then raged on the internet. For months. So much so that Bioware made us a new ending. And it wasn’t even that good. Ugh.

recession

The Recession Continued to Suck the Souls from Game Companies 
While PopCap managed to make it out alive with its acquisition by EA and some major layoffs, other studios did not fare so well. 38 Studios and Big Huge Games, who put out the surprisingly awesome RPG Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning in February, both went bankrupt this year. Which is a damn shame, because I would love some more KoA. THQ, who were the makers of Darksiders and the Saints Row games, also filed for bankruptcy in 2012. At least we got Saints Row 3 and were able to beat prostitutes with giant dildo bats. *sigh* 

brave

Brave Gave Us Our First Pixar Heroine 
Announced in 2008 as The Bear and the Bow, Pixar completely rewrote their animation system for Brave  to give it the most complex visuals possible. Merida was everything we could have asked for in a female protagonist, and plus she had really great hair.

the avengers

The Avengers Blew Our Mind Holes
Hands down the best movie I saw all year. And no, I don’t care about all the Oscar-worthy dramas and shit right now, because when I think about movies in 2012, I think about the Avengers. And that is saying something. It had the biggest opening weekend ever in America, was the fastest film to ever gross over $1 billion, and is the third highest-grossing film of all time. It made $1.51 billion worldwide, and god damn, it is an awesome movie.

bobak ferdowsi

The Curiosity Rover Landed On Mars and We All Fell in Love With Its Flight Director
In August, NASA landed the Mars rover Curiosity on the surface of the red planet. It was a big deal, and in a year when funding for NASA has been questioned, I think a lot of us were happy to see the attention that it got. Millions of people watched the livestream, and don’t deny it, you know you crushed real hard on Bobak Ferdowsi, the mohawked flight director. SO CUTE. *fans self* Fetch the fainting couch Mildred, I think I’ve got the vapors.

curiosity

Curiosity: What’s Inside the Cube Broke Blocks, Wills to Live, and Peter Molyneux 
Peter Molyneux’s baby, his first game/experiment with his new studio 22 Cans, Curiosity was released in 2012. And it had lots of problems. So many problems that Peter Molyneux cried about it in an interview. Fortunately for him, they mostly seem to be fixed now. Let’s have a prayer circle that 2013 doesn’t bring us more Molyneux breakdowns.

happywars

Happy Wars Became the First Free-to-Play Game on Xbox Live Arcade 
Pretty self-explanatory. The massive online multiplayer game with adorable characters become the first “free” game on Xbox Live Arcade. I use quotes because you actually have to be a gold member in order to have it for free. So really, it’s not that free at all…

borderlands 2

Borderlands 2 LIKE OMG YOU GUYS 
Borderlands 2 came out in September. The end.
Just kidding.
Anyway, the game has sold over five million copies since its release, and IGN has named it a finalist for the Game of the Year. It was a big deal, ya’ll.

halo4

Halo Without Bungie 
Halo 4 was released in November and was the first game in the franchise to be developed by 343 Industries, the group set up to oversee the world of Halo after Bungie separated from Microsoft in 2007. And I have heard only good things. I’m not a player of Halo myself, but a lot of friends have said a lot of good things. Congrats, 343!

thehobbit

Peter Jackson Decided The Hobbit Really Needed to be Three Movies. For Reasons.
Reasons involving something that rhymes with “honey” and “funny” and “sunny.” Anyway, the first installment came out this month, and I still haven’t seen it. A lot of people had no idea it was going to be split into three films and spent the whole time going “Gee, this is movie awful slow. They aren’t even at the Lonely Mountain yet!” Or at least my dad and sister did. Whatever.

wiiu

And Finally, The Wii U Turns Out To Be Just As Useless As We Thought It Would Be 
Yeah. Aren’t you glad you spent $300 on that? I bet.

Anyway, those were your big stories in 2012. Now, crack open that champagne and let’s get crunk. (P.S. Do people still say that?)

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